Welcome to the NBA (National Brands of America)

NBA fans can whine like their favorite marquee player trolling a referee, but nothing will stop the league from stuffing its sweatpants with cash from corporate sponsors beginning in 2017, when brand logos for toilet paper and tacos and pharmaceuticals will start to appear team jerseys. Below is one interpretation of how this branding assist might look, courtesy of Fast Company.

One interesting unknown is which NBA organizations the brands will decide to team up with, and how they’ll make that decision. Naturally it’ll come down to dollars (however they determine that), however, in the spirit of sportsmanship, we wanted to give the imminent sponsors a hand in figuring out which NBA team is specially suited for them.

There’s nothing sexy about Amtrak. It’s probably slowest and most boring method of travel next to crawling, but it’s reliable. It’s almost never delayed, it seldom crashes (historically, anyway), so you get exactly what you expect, day in, day out. They remind us of…

With the majority of their players over 60 years old, the San Antonio Spurs are the brand ambassadors of glacial, dependable functionality. They’re so afraid of high speeds, in fact, that they’ll probably prefer to travel from city to city via Amtrak.

If Amtrak owns the rails, British Airways (I’m told) owns the skies; they’re classiest, smoothest airline out there. At the same time, even the highest flyers are always prone to a devastating crash. Sounds a lot like…

In terms of talent, the Clippers are an embarrassment of riches (key word: embarrassment). Jordan and Griffin are two of the most dynamic above-the-rim players in recent history, and Chris Paul remains one the best pilots in the game. Nevertheless, once again, they crashed and burned in the 2016 playoffs.

Beats by Dre, it seems, are solid headphones, but considerably overpriced. They get the job done, however they’re nowhere near the quality of similarly priced, premium products. They remind of an overpriced product…

It’s not Joe Johnson’s fault he’s probably the most overpaid player in NBA history, but it’s Brooklyn’s fault for buying his insane contract. For not knowing what something is worth, Brooklyn would look appropriate, if not quite good, with a Beats by Dre logo on their uniform.

RadioShack has tried everything in the playbook, including a recent rebranding overhaul, however nothing is capable of restoring the brand’s former glory, it seems. This sad, doomed mess reminds us of…

The Knicks have a history of success, that is, an ancient history of success. In recent years they’ve tried a zillion different coaches and rosters and, this past year, a skinny 7-foot Latvian power forward. He’s good, however the Knicks aren’t, and, like RadioShack, it’s about time to liquidate.

The Vatican may not be a conventional company, but they’ve got a whole lot of cash to advertise for new customers. With the brand’s mascot, JC, best known for performing miracles, we think they’d pair perfectly with…

JC may have turned water to wine, but Steph Curry has turned turnaround 35 foot-three pointers into a layup, and led a wandering franchise from the desert of post-seasonlessness to the promised land in far less than 40 years. Oh, and SC is pretty vocal about the pact that he’s always pointing up to his main man, JC.